Advice for the Mother of the Bride: How to Stay Close During Wedding Planning

Dear Gina,

My 27-year-old daughter is getting married in three months and all the decisions and preparations for the wedding seem to be overwhelming. We have a close relationship but lately I feel like I’m walking an emotional tightrope as she fluctuates from wanting my input and help to pushing me away. Any advice? 

Signed,

Struggling Mother of the Bride

Dear MOB,

Big hugs to you, momma! While your question is specific to weddings, it really pertains to every aspect of the relationship between mothers and daughters, don’t you think? Mine are in the same age range. I get it.

I understand the pain that comes when they push away. We’ve given our lives to raising them and have done everything with the best of intentions. And yet, these are individuals who are living their way into their adult lives and creating what that looks like apart from the home we’ve provided.

The comedian Tom Papa, in his special “Home Free,” reflects on the parents’ sacrifice. The years flew by, and as his daughter prepared to leave the nest, he was stunned. “With the kids, they take over the whole house, and before you know it, they’re on their way out. I told my daughter before she left: You know, I did all of this for you! …. And now you’re going to go?” (More on navigating empty nests here!)

The Emotional Tightrope of Wedding Planning

As magical as the “big day” is, wedding planning often brings with it a particular kind of wedding stress: honoring traditions, abiding by cultural expectations, keeping costs within a budget. And then there are the stressors that catch us off guard, like the uncanny and inevitable ways that we’ll hurt someone’s feelings without ever intending to. Caught in this squeeze are the people closest to us, and first among these human relationships is the one between mothers and daughters. What a privilege it is to be in your place, and how very vulnerable you are to being hurt.

Letting Go with a Gentle Touch

My first bit of advice is to be gentle with yourself. When you’re left out of something, or when something she says particularly stings, or when she makes decisions against your better judgment, do your best to not take it personally. When your tender heart stings in the wake of these actions, remember that there are legions of mothers who can relate and hopefully comfort you in those hurt moments. 

The good news is she’s standing on her own, choosing for herself, and isn’t that what parenting is ultimately all about?

This is the paradoxically beautiful, yet difficult art of letting go – not of your daughter, but of filling the role of the person she needs most.

Consider for a moment all the resources available to your daughter in the wedding planning process that are helping her realize the day she envisions. Celebrate the moments when she finds the right photographer, or the perfect florist, or when she’s enjoying conversations with the officiant who will perform the ceremony. Celebrate the moments of serendipity when details fall into place. Give thanks for her friends who are coming through and the groom who’s stepping up for her.

For my husband and I, as our children grew, we hoped these kinds of goodness would show up in their adult lives. These are the ways that life is rising to support her as she creates her own home with her beloved. Their celebration may not be our idea of what the day should be, but if it is her and her beloved’s, then that meets our ultimate goal.

Love is Finding Balance together

Too often, we see young couples struggling to balance their parents’ wants against their desires for what they’d like the day to be. This tension won’t go away after the wedding. This will be an issue as they set up their lives together and bring children into the world – balancing the love and structures and traditions they grew up with, honoring their spouse’s expectations, and envisioning what they would like to create in their home are what adulting is all about. It’s a tough, intense spot, but it is out of tension that creation emerges.

If your daughter were acquiescing to all your requests, what would that say about her independence, and your relationship? Same goes for the other extreme, if she disregarded all your suggestions.

Real love is found in that desire and willingness to wrestle in that great in-between space. The easy answer is yes or no; the hard part is having the conversation, especially when we know going in that we won’t agree on everything. 

(Though you didn’t ask for advice specific to when your daughter does things differently than you’d choose, I think the same advice applies. A mother’s heart, grounded in grace and gratitude, will help smooth over the confusing, painful parts.)

I love your image of a tightrope. Even the best, most experienced walkers wobble a bit and course correct along the way. A circus performer has trained and practiced, and here you are out there in the elements, improvising. Watch your step and keep your eyes on the prize: a beautiful wedding celebration, and a loving, ever-deepening connection with your daughter throughout her life.

Eyes on the Prize

So, my final bit of advice for you, dear mother of the bride:

When it stings, take a deep breath. When you’re included, raise a glass. At all times, keep the Kleenex handy.

Take time every day to claim a corner of the world for yourself, through prayer, meditation, reading, journaling, dancing, walking, exercising, gardening, etc.