Unconditional Love in a Divided Family: Advice for Tough Times

A reader writes to Gina about the ache of divided family amidst political tension — the aunt she once ran to for big hugs now wears slogans that feel like a wall between them. Gina responds with Lincoln, John Lewis, and an unconditional love practice big enough to hold it all.

Dear Gina,

It’s hard to be around my extended family these days. I’m so sad about it, especially with my Aunt Roberta who used to be one of my biggest cheerleaders and closest relatives. She was the one I looked forward to seeing at family get-togethers. I always felt so loved and encouraged by her, and many of my cousins and my siblings did too. I don’t want to go into all the details of how she’s changed but the woman I knew 20 years ago is not the same person. 

It all came to a head when she hosted the family’s annual 4^th of July celebration and wore a T-shirt with a slogan that supports a government program that I think is unjust. I could hardly look at her with that slogan shouting back at me. What really made me sad and angry was that she knows some of us don’t agree with her.

I wound up avoiding her for most of the party. That helped a bit but I’m still sad about how different this is from what it used to be like to be with her. As a kid, I’d run to her for a big hug the minute I saw her. I don’t understand how such a loving person could be on that side? I stay away from people who’d agree with her. But I can’t cut off a relative, right? I miss my aunt, and I want her back.

Signed,

Lonely Niece

Dear Lonely Niece,

Oh, my heart goes out to you with both sympathy and empathy. I am so sorry you are sad and angry, and I can relate too. This situation in our country feels so big I wonder how we’ll ever solve it? But there is some wisdom we can tap into to ease the pain and begin to see our way through. 

Divided Family, Divided Nation

I won’t try to diagnose the problem; there’s lots of news and information out there on how divided we’ve become. But I think reinforcing the idea that we’re divided perpetuates the separation. I too have shifting relationships; spaces created through judgment and misinformation.

While we can’t really change anyone’s mind, what we can do is focus on our love for one another, and our shared experiences.

Even you and I talking here is a first step. We can commiserate and encourage each other in our sadness and confusion. That’s a start. 

Love Runs Deeper than Division

I love how you described beautiful Aunt Roberta in a better time, before the break. My sense is that that version of her is closer to her true self than the one wearing the loud T-shirt. When you think of her at that time, feel the energy around that. It expands, doesn’t it? I can almost see her arms spreading wide to embrace you and your siblings and cousins. Maybe she pulls you up on her lap and listens to all you have to say. Your little self might describe that love as boundless, generous, overflowing.

Contrast that with how you felt when you saw the T-shirt. That feeling constricts and separates, yes? I invite you to consider that beneath the slogan and apparent thoughtlessness is that heart of hearts who loves you.

Your aunt’s true heart connects to a love that cannot be contained by an ideology or opinion. Try to hold that vision of her by staying with the memory.

Unconditional Love Practice

Let me offer you something to try when the sadness visits.

Close your eyes. Gently hold your precious heart.

Now, bring Aunt Roberta to mind: not as she was at the party, but as she was when you were small. Let yourself remember what it felt like to be in her presence… the warmth of her arms around you, the sound of her laugh, the way your whole body relaxed because you felt, without question, all of her love for you.

Stay there for a moment. This is more than just a sweet memory – it’s a feeling that is alive in your body. Love like that doesn’t expire. It touches you physically, regardless of time or space, in your shoulders dropping, your breath deepening, your chest opening. When we return to these moments, we’re not pretending or escaping. We’re reconnecting with something true, and cultivating that truth in the present, where we now need it most. The body remembers what the mind sometimes struggles to hold: that this love was real, and that it still is.

If tears come, let them. Grief and love are cousins; they travel together. The ache you feel is proof of the bond, not its absence. You might even experience Aunt Roberta’s “better self” comforting you in your sadness. Hold fast to this powerful, unquenchable love and let it seep into your heart and expand into your life.

The Better Angels of our Nature

I paraphrase Abraham Lincoln’s plea to a divided nation in his first inaugural address:

“We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory…will yet swell… when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

To love this way does not mean we condone behaviors or policies. And, it does not mean we have to abide by messages and opinions that violate our values.

What it does mean is that we open ourselves to loving in a big way. This is true unconditional love — the unearned compassion that holds us steady when family members make choices we might not agree with, or when someone we adore seems suddenly unrecognizable. It’s this love that sees the whole person, even when part of them baffles us. In and through this big unconditional love, our separateness can be healed, even amid injustice.

John Lewis, the great champion of civil rights, described it this way: 

“We are talking about love here. Not romantic love. Not the love of one individual for another. Not loving something that is lovely to you.

This is broader, deeper, more all-encompassing love. It is a love that accepts and embraces the hateful and the hurtful. It is a love that recognizes the spark of the divine in each of us, even in those who would raise their hand against us, those we might call our enemy.” 

This is the unconditional love that will see us through these sometimes dark and confusing days. This is the love that will help us create a world where everyone thrives. This is the love that your sweet child was born into, and that your adult self longs for. Grown-up hearts are big enough to experience the pain, recall the joy, and hold fast to this big love. When we do, we help anchor it into our world.

Love Practiced is Love Strengthened

I understand avoiding Aunt Roberta during the party. I too find myself in situations where I don’t know how to respond to someone without risking an argument or feeling vulnerable. Sometimes walking away can be the best form of self-care.

Though, as you say, you don’t want to cut yourself off from a dear relative, either. In all the division, being estranged from family might feel like the only option, but your letter tells me that somewhere within, your heart knows there is more.

The love practice fosters an inner calm and prepares us for these tough moments. It’s in some ways like training for a sport. Consistent practice supports performance on the field.

The love practice helps us feel more grounded in the moment. There will be moments when we love well, and other times when our anger or sadness gets to us. Be gentle with yourself. We’re living in charged times. 

It may seem a foolish strategy to simply love without expecting anything in return, to love while releasing hope that our efforts will transform those who’ve hurt us, to love without knowing how others will respond. We love each other, anyway. Even with that silly T-shirt on, you love that lady. Embrace the bigness of it.

I am just beginning to feel my way into this in my own life; I need to call myself back to love all the time. But, when the dust settles, that’s the side I want to be on. I’ll leave you with this U2 lyric, sung by B.B. King, a powerful anthem of hope, forgiveness, and love’s power: