Advice for One-Sided Friendship: So close, Yet So Far

A reader writes to Gina about the quiet hurt of an ever-increasingly one-sided friendship: the messages that go unacknowledged, the stories told on repeat, and the slow ache of feeling invisible to someone you love. Gina responds with tenderness, a creative strategy, and a reminder to honor your own heart.

Dear Gina, 

I’m in a bit of a quandary with a long-time friend. I’m single and she’s married. We live a few hours apart and stay in contact mostly through an asynchronous video app. I’ve had a really hard year and told her some of the things weighing me down, but when she records messages, she rarely acknowledges what I’ve said and launches into her stories some of which she’s told me repeatedly.

This dynamic leaves me feeling invisible and unappreciated and I have backed away to protect myself. Still, she doesn’t seem to notice. Is this something I should confront head on or just continue to deal with on my own? 

Signed,

So Close, So Far 

Dear So-So, 

I am sorry to hear that your friend isn’t showing up for you in a way that is helpful or supportive during this difficult time in your life. Isn’t it remarkable that for all the communications methods we have available to us, we can still feel so disconnected?

Your question encourages me, because you apparently haven’t decided to end the friendship. You’re considering ways to either salvage it or at least find your own sense of peace in it. I suspect you are reeling from going through such a difficult time in your life while a long-term friendship seems to be drifting apart in this way. It must be confusing and disappointing. Big hugs. 

The loneliness of One-Sided Friendship

Asynchronous communication is amazing! We record a video and send it off to a friend and they can see our facial expressions and hear our voice and inflections. We can laugh “together” and share life intimately. It’s a remarkable gift, and yet here it is, threatening a friendship rather than supporting it.

Looking back, is this sense of loneliness new to your friendship? You mentioned your different lifestyles (married versus single) – is that a recent change? As our life circumstances change, our availability shifts, too.

Be gentle with yourself in disappointment, and in grieving the loss of a closer, more synchronous time in your friendship. 

Feeling invisible in Stressful times

I’m afraid a lot of us are experiencing some version of this brand of loneliness. In these chaotic times, our nervous systems are on higher alert. We might not have the bandwidth to be good listeners or empathetic friends. Take a peek at my letter about unconditional love during stressful times. I offer a practice to get in touch with the love we’ve shared with another as a way to maintain connection when we can’t show up fully right now. 

The letter you May Never Send

Asynchronous communications methods make it easy to ghost or go no-contact with someone, for sure. But there’s also an advantage to it in a tender confrontation, where emotional honesty might feel highly charged. 

Consider sending her a video version of your question to me. Long used in narrative and expressive-writing therapy, the ‘unsent letter’ is a way to pour out what needs saying and find out what you actually mean (Pennebaker, 1997) — and recording a video message works the same magic: you can take your time, speak your heart with intention, watch it back to see if it rings true, and send only the take that feels like love.

Begin by sharing your feelings of disconnection, and your sadness. If you tried to have this conversation with her in person, it might be far more difficult. You can take advantage of the time and space between you to craft your words, present your feelings, and to lead with love in your tone. Ask her to respond when she’s ready.

Preparing this message will help you clarify what it is that you want from the friendship. Think of it as the letter you write but may never send.

Getting Clear when Drifting Apart

And here’s what I want you to hold onto: getting clear with yourself is the most important part of this process. Because when we get honest about what we need, we stop waiting for someone else to make us feel whole. Your peace doesn’t live in her reply, it lives in the knowing. And once you know, you can move forward with your heart intact, whether the friendship deepens, changes shape, or gently lets go.

Record the video with as much love and honesty as you can. Then, view it back and see how it lands. Does it reflect what you want to convey? Recording and reviewing a couple of takes will help you understand how you’d like to move forward. Then, your final video message can include a request, if there is one. 

If you decide to send it off, the ball is in her court, as they say. Hopefully, she’ll reply with equal tenderness and honesty. She may be hurt and pull back or get defensive. Or, if you choose not to share your feelings and continue to hang back, it’s possible the relationship will find its way back to a stronger connection over time. There are many scenarios that could play out.

I think the process of recording a series of videos – whether you send one, or not – is how you’ll find your way to peace.

Much love,

Gina